While we don't officially endorse guard bribery, we do offer our "Administrative Relations Enhancement Package" which includes funds allocated for "staff appreciation initiatives." Please note that results may vary, and we are not responsible for any extended sentences incurred.

Our collection methods are, let's say, quite persuasive. We have arrangements with certain "associates" in every facility who specialize in asset recovery. Remember, in prison, everything is collateral - including your desserts, shower time, and personal safety. We always get paid, one way or another.

Yes! Our "Snitch Stash" special financing is perfect for those looking to start a new life. Package includes a new identity, relocation to a minimum security facility, and a complimentary neck brace. NOTE: All witness protection financing requires a non-refundable application fee of 50 cigarettes or 3 Top Ramen flavor packets.

Our interest rates start at a competitive 99.99% APR and can go up based on factors including, but not limited to: your prison credit score, the alignment of the stars, the warden's mood, and whether Mercury is in retrograde. For our premium customers serving triple life sentences, we offer our special "Forever Customer" discount.

Define "legitimate." We're as legitimate as the prison tattoo artist who claims to have been a professional in Miami. Our CEO is currently serving 15-20 for what he describes as "creative accounting." We like to think that makes us experts in the field rather than criminals. It's all about perspective.

Absolutely! Our "Pre-Conviction Planning" service helps future inmates prepare their finances before sentencing. For a modest fee, we can even recommend crimes that qualify for our special financing rates. Planning to get caught is just good financial sense.